it's frustrating,
how you're always expected to be the nice one,
encouraging others,
looking out for their needs,
making sure no one gets left behind,
and that no one feels left out,

yet with all that,
you're still treated like wallpaper,
just the person who's always like that,
to be taken advantaged of,
to be used,
to be laughed at,
joked about,

but you keep reassuring yourself,
that you're doing the right thing,
the exact thing that you're supposed to do,

and then it comes to the point,
where you start asking yourself,
whether it's actually in your nature to be like that,
or just simply a self taken up responsiblity,
which has been strangely mangled with your 'character',
and asking yourself,
whether being the 'politically correct',
is absolutely necessary.

yet somehow,
you're just unable to help not noticing,
someone being left out,
someone hurting,
someone alone,
and when that person's no longer alone,
again,
you just simply fade into the background,
just a simple tool,
an instrument,
to make people feel better,

so why does one keep going about doing that then,
just because it's be 'built in' for say a couple of years into his life,

paradox swing;

and when,
you're supposedly the jovial one,
happy go lucky,
the one who cheers people up,
adds the comic relief,
and diffuses the situation,
'entertainment'

so much so, you become,
just a joke,
a clown,
to be laugh at,
and for others to have their merry fun,
while you're hurting deep inside,
especially when you're supposed to be the clown,
the always funny one,
never hurting,
always cheerful;
never entitled to being the one who's sad

so much so,
your 'friends' take you on a joy ride,
expecting you for 'entertainment',
whenever they feel down,
or out,
and just chucking you aside,
right after that,
or worse still,
laughing AT you,
along with all your supposed 'friends',
people whom you trust,
and all this time,
you're expected,
to be putting on a huge grin,
being the one who's supposed to be at the brunt of all their jokes

so tell me again?
why in the world i'm doing all this,
day in day out,
for the past few years of my life,
and it seems so highly strung,
that i'd probably,
be doing it all the time

and now it seems,
that i'm really confused;

dark blue

another year ahead,
which i shall survive,
through your wonderous grace.
thank you.

Suppose
Suppose it were your birthday
And all your friends would come,
And gather round your fireplace
There in your happy home.

They come with smiles and gladness,
And bring their presents too.
But when they start to share them,
There's not a one for you.

They give them to each other,
A grand and costly lot.
But for the guest of honor,
They somehow just forgot.

You say such things don't happen,
Nor should it ever be;
It seems too crude and cruel,
For folks like you and me.

But friend, have you considered,
Just this is what men do?
Not, of course, to humans,
But of our Lord, its true.

We celebrate His birthday
With all our pomp and style;
But give to one another
And grieve Him all the while.

'Tis Christ we claim to honor
At this glad Christmas time;
Don't spend on friends the dollars
And give Him just a dime.

To give to one another
Indeed is very nice;
But best of all to Jesus,
For Him let's sacrifice.

His cause too long has suffered
By thoughtless, selfish men,
Let's bring to Christ the firstfruits,
And give our best to Him

- Fred D. Jarvis

perhaps it's a little funny,
how i often imagined myself going for missions as a sec 2,
haha,
the chance to have been the youngest 'mission-trip-goer'
together with kester.

oh well,
2 years on,
and i'm perhaps less excited,
instead bogged down with concerns,
and stuff which a 'sec 4 kid shouldn't be worrying about'

pilgrims and strangers.

the sheer complexity of it all, haha. it's been really strange though, hearing XL say, '...what? how can you not do anything next year, ur a*****, you're never free, you've always got something to do...' haha, right.

perhaps that's why acjc's so appealing,
the chance to start off afresh,
without commitments,
expectations to live up to,
the chance to truly be just 'a regular dude'
not the extra-kia we all know;
time perhaps to view things in perspective
and to focus on the eternal,
haha,
the chance to be just 'another student'
and not having to burn my holidays doing crappy stuff,
which i've been all so used to for the past 4 years.

but then again, i'd just be a runner,
'stay here with us and survive ib lah',
opting to just leave every thing behind,

in anycase,
i'd suppose it's too late anyway,
and i'm resigned towards staying,
armed with a different outlook (of sorts)

who knows what the tide may bring